Beauty and
Fave made it home safely…
School’s
out for a glorious SIXTEEN DAYS!
Our home
has been filled with laughter, love, and liveliness…
Rousing
games of the silliest sort of Mario fun…
and, of
course, an occasional serious discussion or two…
signs of
continued growth and healing for all of us…
The
stockings are hung…
The shopping is done…
This year,
Warren surprised me by spending time an entire day helping me finish those gift
selections, one store at a time.
He’s also
been watching those Hallmark movies with me!
But don’t
let me give you the wrong impression…halfway through the second Christmas show
last night, he said, “Next we need to watch something like Troy or Men in Black.”
Yesterday,
both ends of my day were filled with the joyful task of wrapping…
Christmas
movies playing in the background…
And in the
midday was a nice gathering with Warren’s family.
Tongue-in-cheek,
but we survived another family holiday!
Normally,
we come together at our house on Christmas Eve day, but this year we moved the
event up as our daughter is having surgery today.
After the
meal and gift exchange and cleanup, the five of us headed to the cemetery a few
days early to visit Gavin’s grave, since Beauty won’t be able to climb the
hillside after her knee surgery.
I must say,
as hard and painful and unwanted as the death of a child is, living through it
has presented us with invaluable experiences, like being able to talk about
death with our children.
It has also
opened up opportunity for other discussions, such as cremation and burial and
our changing thoughts and beliefs about life and death and spirit…
I had
always hated the idea of cremation, but after Hurricane Katrina, I began to
question my fears about having my body burned.
As I
watched the news and heard stories about caskets floating in the flood waters,
I imagined how difficult that sort of catastrophe could add to a person’s
conflict, and the withstanding fears of not knowing where her loved one is…
I
acknowledged what I’d always sort of believed but never really thought about in
context with burial: That our soul leaves our body when it dies, and that we
live on as energy in the world around us and in the hearts of every person
whose life we touched…
Warren and
I had always said that when one of us died, we wanted Gavin’s casket exhumed
and reburied with us, but since I have been entertaining the idea of options
other than burial, I’ve also been pondering other possibilities pertaining to
my firstborn.
Yesterday,
as we talked about all of the children buried, this topic somehow surfaced and
I mentioned what Warren and I had talked about in the past and voiced my wonder
if our son’s remains could be cremated with Warren and/or me.
Beauty was
the first to express her feelings about this, followed closely by her brothers:
All of Gavin’s siblings prefer to have him left where he is or buried with us,
and they definitely don’t like the idea of him being cremated.
Their
reactions surprised me because their responses were resoundingly strong, and
they also comforted me because my children weren’t afraid to talk about what
they do and don’t want with regard to death.
Gavin has always
been a part of their lives and their memories and their stories.
Though they
believe he is always with them, Babyland is the place they can go to actually
be with him.
I get that.
When I
mentioned that I’d like to go a few days early because Beauty wouldn’t be able
to climb the knoll after surgery, she told us she’d already thought about that
and had visited her brother the day before, but she’d be happy to go again.
We stopped at
a local Dollar Store to buy a few festive items, as our handmade ones
disappeared from the site a year ago.
We returned
home to more togetherness and holiday preparations…
My happy is
full from last week’s family fun and festivities…
Journeyers,
may your coming week be filled with the joys of love, the light of laughter,
and the feeling of togetherness, and an occasional Moment or two…
Love,
Annah…
Soon…
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